Who's on first: the family version

(A house in the moonlit darkness of 3am)

Child:
Mom?

Mother:
(held breath)

Child:
Mom.

Mother:
(sigh)

Child:
Mohmeee!

Father:
What’s wrong? Do you want me to get him?

Mother:
No, give him a minute.

Child:
(hums a medley of “The Farmer in the Dell,” “I’ve Been Working on the Railroad,” and a few songs of his own composition)

Father:
Do you want me to get him?

Mother:
No. He will settle back down.

Child:
(metamophasising version of Baa Baa Black Sheep) Baa Baa Maa Maa Mom Mom meeeee....

Father:
Aw, listen to him. He loves you.

Mother:
And I love him. So, I will let him fall back into healthy sleep.

Child:
Mom. Moh-meee, I want to get out.

Mother:
(sigh)

Child:
Mom?

Father:
Oh, Honey, lets go get him!

Child:
Mommy? Mommy, please... Please Mommy!

Mother:
Aaaah

( brightly and loudly) I’m here! I’m coming! Hold on, Peanut!

(walking into the child’s room:)
What’s wrong?

Child:
I woke up.

Mother:
(laughing) I can see that. What woke you up?

Child:
I was frightened.

Mother:
Did something startle you?

Child:
huh?

Mother:
You should say “excuse me,” if you need someone to repeat what she was saying. Did something surprise you and cause you to be...

Child:
Where is my surprise? Can I have my surprise?

Mother:
frightened for a .... I don’t have a present for you. It’s very...

Child:
You said “surprise.”

Mother:
Not a present surprise, I meant startled.

Child:
But... but ...but...

Mother:
Now it’s very late.

Child:
Is it dark?

Mother:
Yes... and we need to get more sleep so that we have lots of energy to play tomorrow.

Child:
Can I play with my toys, now?

(sound of a toilet flushing)

Mother:
No. If you snuggle in, I will read more of...

Father:
Hey, Buddy! What’s wrong?

Child:
I heard something.

Father:
Oh yah? I heard something, too.

Child:
What?

Father:
I heard you singing.

Child:
(brightly) I was. Can I play with my toys, Daddy?

Mother:
I was just saying...

Father:
No, Bud. It’s the middle of the night.

Child:
But... but...

Father:
Maybe, we can watch something.

Mother:
(sigh)

Child:
Cartoons?

Father:
What do you think, Mommy?

(Father doesn't wait for Mother to answer. Father and son race off. Loud cartoon noises are heard. )

Mother:
(BIG sigh)

( Mother turns to the audience with a look of exhaustion )



THE END